Smashed Glass

Well it’s been a fortnight since I last blogged (This blog was written yesterday whilst i visited the Tate). In this time I’ve gone through most items on the Fatigue list- including a complete burn out which resulted in me in another form of fatigue I forgot to mention the emotional 20p fatigue where the smallest thing set you off into floods of tears. That day I cried on the phone to my mum because I really didn’t know if I’d have the energy to get out of bed the next day let alone travel for my nephew birthday. I cried over the lack of sweetcorn at the harvester, cried that I’d spent energy resting waiting for friends only for plans to change. I cried because my glove didn’t go on my hand properly- I cried that my shoes were done up to tightly I couldn’t kick them off. It was the day I realised just how burnt out I was yet it came so out of the blue I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway I did go home and celebrate my nephew turning 2, I was exhausted and couldn’t do much to help party prep but I went and had 4 days where I got the car everywhere and didn’t have to cook or think about what I wanted to eat. Boy did I need it. Anyway back to now I’m currently sat in the Tate in London in a room I would say is my kryptonite (a room filled with radios all playing different noises) artwork by Cildo Meireles titled Babel

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I’m sat questioning why I sat down and why I’m choosing this spot to decide what I write about. Answers on a postcard to why this is… I’m a little stuck on what to write about because there is so much to be said I could write about how I’m missing out on meeting Gary Barlow tomorrow because I cant be at two places in London for two different cancer charities at once. I could write about how my cruddy immune system has meant this week I’ve been poorly- or how I got to catch up with some wonderful people this week  and the things they have taught me or about labels we as humans seem attach to people or even to ourselves. I could write about the impact Emily is still having on my life he tears I’ve shed today for her and that friendship. But instead I’ve chosen something that relates to the reason I’m here in the first place and why sat at the Tate I’ve felt the urge to write.

So on my way in to the Tate this morning I was drawn to a simple artwork of the everyday a pane of glass- this particular one is shattered yet not yet broken. I stopped to take a photo questioning why this I’m about to enter a world famous gallery yet this is the thing that stops me way more than anything in the Robert Rauschenberg and I love his work.

The reason I came here was I search of peace and quite time away time to be inspired and maybe even to reignite some big dream. Yet the pane of glass is still the best art I’ve seen all day. It’s set the tone it’s spoken to me in a way I never imagined (it’s also reframed some of the artwork  I’ve seen a thousand times for me today). See this broken pain of glass is all of us, me and you at the time your trying to hold yourself together you’ve not crashed yet goodness knows how because of all theses broken fragments are evidence of just close you are to falling apart. Yet it’s beautiful isn’t it? Just how strong glass has become to be able to stay together and I couldn’t help but be in awe of how the light picked up different aspects and turn this broken window pain into a thing of beauty.

Now the reason I am in London is to help open the eyes/reframe perceptions of the amazing trustees and senior team at CLIC Sargent about young cancer survivor/patients and social media. Now you maybe thinking how is she leaping from glass to social media but bare with… We live in a world where everything is at our fingertips we can connect with anyone anywhere in just a few clicks! This week I’ve spoken to friends all across the world through social media and for that reason I think it’s great! However it’s got its draw backs to- we all present the best versions of ourselves through it and have become a world of statuses, and tweets often tweeting before thinking… However, we also look through these rose tinted glasses at our friends lives and compare ourselves to people the other side of the screen. Thanks to platforms like Facebook we have kept in touch with everyone at all stages of life, like school friends whom 30yrs ago we’d have probably lost touch with. We now we see our acquaintances who are up and coming models, or traveling around the world, buying houses and got a family on the go. We’re constantly comparing ourselves and this needs to stop. Why? Because its not always 100% real. What’s the use of posting that fabulous beach holiday photo to keep up appearances when on the inside you feel like this broken piece of glass? We also never see the full picture we have no idea that 2 mins after that beautiful photo of the family the baby isn’t screaming at the top of its lungs and sleep deprived mum has had enough. We don’t know what that loving relationship plastered all over Facebook actually is. Flipping it slightly we don’t know how Jo from down the street will feel after reading the news your having a baby when she has just had to come to terms she can’t have children. Or that 2 months earlier the couple sharing this news lost a baby. We don’t know because it’s become unsociably acceptable to share these things (although at times we wouldn’t want to either) and then sometimes we have enough and share these things only to loose followers or get into a debate.

I am sat listening to babble realising its purpose- its demonstrating that we live in a noisy and crazy frenetic time now finding a small space of peace and quite is hard to find (especially in central London). Im noticing the people who are walking around head deep in their phones, or sat on the tube refusing to say hello- yet we aren’t designed to do life alone, we aren’t designed to not have conversations with people and create bable background noise. We’re are design to make connections with other humans and do life with them (the good, the bad and the ugly).  We aren’t designed to aimlessly scrawl through post after post, we aren’t designed to post EVERY thought (we all have that one friend) yet we are designed to do life together (sometimes virtually through social media). Tomorrow in the meeting we are going to be framing how as cancer survivors we have to make choices that others might never have to and how seeing a status about being pregnant or having an amazing night out might effect us emotionally at different stages of treatment. Im not saying in any way shape or form we need to stop posting on social media, nor would I ever want someone not to post good news. However a clearer more well rounded view of normal life would be nice sometimes.

I got thinking about that pane of glass again after seeing this img_1187by Louise bourgeois. I thought about how for the glass to be fixed and made new it’s going to need people to help replace this pane of glass and maybe this glass all broken will be recycled and made into a new pane eventually. But it also got me thinking about how it’s people that help us when we’re in this place of near breaking point. I want to say how its ok not to be ok at times and need a helping hand all you need do is reach out and ask. You don’t always have to post, and your posts don’t always have to only be the glamorous you either share the real you- its your real friends that will love you regardless.

Finally some key points to this post

  • If your not ok- thats ok. Find help wether that be a trusty friend, a helpline or a family member- you will be surprised just how many people care about you.
  • Start thinking before you post- do you really need a status for this?
  • If you get annoyed by a post ask yourself what are their intentions here? Am I overthinking or are my feelings heightened here?
  • Stop only showing a one sided view of your life- make it ok to share how your feeling- wether that be through a direct message to someone or a status its ok to be human!
  • Take some time out from social media from time to time, live in the moment you never know when you might stumble across a broken piece of glass that might speak to you in a way you’d miss if you’d have been attached to your phone.

 

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