Today I had a check up at the hospital where I wrote the following…
In the waiting I sit, nervously, anxiously waiting. I sit and see others come and go one who is told the news transplant is the next step, another looks weeks out from transplant still tired and weak.
You see the same faces from the staff who have spent decades serving this nation. Trying to fit in the ever-growing case load of people. Sending for bloods, then checking your obs. These people reach out to see how you are. They have the answers or go to find them out, they see who you are and what your about.
As I sit 7 years on I still get this fear that today is the day I hear bad news. I see a familiar doctor, I’ve not seen in years yet now she’s a senior. I feel a sense of pride as I’ve seen her grow. she’s worked hard and boy does it show.
I glance and see my notes- sat on the pile with a post-it note. I know what it is I’ve seen it before it’s my protective consultant saying she is mine stay clear, he wants to see me again but still I ask why? Maybe there’s news.
A guy who is maybe 10 years older is the closest in age to me today. I sit and i wonder if his life-like mine has been impacted and changed. He gets called through and I sit and wonder what news will he receive.
As I wait all becomes quite, still and peaceful I look around and contemplate those missing faces- the ones I know I’ll never see yet still miss so terribly. I question why me, why was I so lucky. Why did it work for me but not for them.
The guy comes out smile beaming and I breathe a sense of relief knowing he’s happy. Knowing he to is one of the lucky ones.
Then the finger beckons, I stand and my heart races the steps into the room feel heavy and weighty. Despite knowing I’m fine there is still that chance. I stop for a second and take a big breath. I sit and he opens “well who’d have guessed your 7 years old!” I breath, today is not the day I hear bad news. I settle and begin to answer his never-ending questions, the ones I’m sure he doesn’t need to know as well as those I know he does.
I tease and he teases my consultant is not just a doctor, he’s a friend and a father. He knows me so well. He knows when to delve to ask the questions that make me squirm and when I need him to lay off and back down. I’m so grateful for him and I’m just blown away as without him I’d never have made it this far.
The questions are over and it’s now my turn. I talk life, my future my world for a moment he’s there protecting it all. We reminisce we laugh and I well up knowing that Thank you will never be enough. It’s more than just me it’s the thousands of others. It’s that thanks that’s unsaid, unheard or forgotten. It’s for those who we’ve lost but that I know you’ve not forgotten. What can you say to the man who changed everything. To the doctor that I know I’d be nothing without. I say all I can and again I say thanks.
Today I was told I’ll never be discharged that I’m there for life. For some this would be bad news but for me I breathed a sigh of relief because I know they will always be looking out for me. I was also told that travel is limitless and I could go anywhere again it’s like a door being flung open suddenly places I’ve only dreamt of could become a reality. (Now would be a great time for that lotto win). Who knows.
I’ve come so far yet still I know just how far I still have to go. I leave behind a man bursting with pride he did this, he’s the reason I’m alive. We hug and I leave thanking again as I walk out with a smile and a grin. I chat to the nurses who all played their part.
I tell them about how now I’d do it different from the start. That the 20 old me knew nothing and no-one. I wish at the time I’d had some more fight. I wish at the time I had some more life. Now I look back at the years that I wasted. I could have done more but instead I just … wasted. Instead of fighting for more I just didn’t want it. I wasn’t focused on living or striving for more. My life was over, no hope a disaster. I couldn’t see out and didn’t want different. I’d just moped and I moaned, I wallowed in pity. With no hope in recovery I settled for less. Until one day that changed and this I addressed. I now see things different and I hope for the best. I see the progress I’ve made and the miles that I’ve distanced. It was slower than most and I made that hard. It’s not simple or easy but I know I’m far from done. My life’s worth living I’m no longer a bum.