Again I find myself in a position of having so many ideas of what to write about and not knowing what to write… one is about exiting hibernation and how that really feels and what it looks like, another about my future, one about loosing a label and another about random conversations that become quite profound and life changing as well as some others too. This post is about something profound but it wasn’t said in a conversation. It was a statement. Which I know is going to change me!
Two weeks ago, or so I got the joy of going to London to an event for Key supporters of the Ellen Macarthur Cancer Trust. I was there to talk about what the trust does, encourage people to get more involved and to thank people who were there for their support. Along with this I was there to help introduce the evening.
I had spent the morning hooked up to a drip in Cardiff hospital and the evening in a very swanky building Trinity House in London, just a stones throw away from Tower Bridge and the Tower of London. I was on my very first day of being antibiotic free (reminds me its Monday I need to take my antibiotics haa) after spending the last 5 weeks on the stronger antibiotics 3 times a day every day- rather than 1 tablet 3 days a week like I am now…. I really stood in awe taking in the Tower of London at the amazing double life I get to lead. How blessed I am to be alive, and experiencing all that I get to. The evening was amazing and it was so special to be able to share what the trust does and how much its changed me as a person and impacted my life. To see what the trust did last year please watch this The Ellen MacArthur Cancer Trust looks back on 2017 and to hear more about how the trust changed my life watch this… #12years12stories Part 4 . This puts it all into words more eloquently than I can typing.. (I just watched back my 12 years 12 stories and am now a blubbing mess so bear with and go watch it)….
In this video filmed about 3 years ago I said that every year I come away with something new…. I’d say this about every trust event I’ve ever attended to, its why I’m happy to go from hospital to meetings and events… I always have something to take away… 2 weeks ago I was sat in the audience listening to a group of my friends share about the impact the trust has had on them. One girl Claire Amaladoss (seriously cool name) who I’ve got to watch blossom into an incredible human and grow in faith and in leadership. She is also a very awesome trustee for the trust. Spoke and said something so profound and on point that it hit me like a train….. She said ‘We don’t pick up our lives to the full, because we know all to well what its like to have to give it all up…’ wow! I can not tell you how true this statement which she fleetingly made was so, so true. Its not only true but still very relevant to me today. The trust enables us to begin to pick up a life again, dream bigger and reach further again it rebuilds us in a way that no-one else can… but I sat there and realised I still had to do some more picking up to really live to the full again.
Recovering cancer-ish and from loosing it all is tough, it comes in waves, and isn’t something you can pick up where you left off… it isn’t something that day one out of hospital/ remission you can physically manage to pick it all up. It comes with complications, life moves on but you haven’t. It comes with new struggles of how you manage with a life full of complications and long term follow up. A life with that lingering fear of loosing it all again. We have to mourn for the life we lost, the one we thought we were going to get and work out what sort of life we now want…. For any kid this is hard, but for one that has the dreams they have always had taken away- well that’s huge. I always thought I would be a teacher, one that fought for the kids who fall through the cracks, one that inspired a generation who had CAN’T shoved in their face and help them to realise that they truly could achieve anything. I’d worked hard, gained experience and knowledge that was set to equip me well into the future I believed I would always have. Getting sick meant I lost all this… after getting sick I got a complication that means my immune system just doesn’t work so teaching kids who carry all sorts of bugs and always get sick… well it was completely off the cards….
I hadn’t realised until Claire said it though at how fearful I was still about loosing it all. I mean I do still loose it when I get sick with the slightest bug, and it completely knocks me out- and in winter when meeting with people becomes next to impossible- but should this mean I shouldn’t live my life to the full when I can- NO! I actually need to work even harder than most to keep hold of my life in seasons where I’m ill, and push even further when I’m well to live… like really LIVE! I know I’ve still got a long way to go and I’ve already begun to action this in my life right now… I’m super excited to see what’s to come because I know its going to be so big and so exciting. I’m obviously not going reveal what that looks like just yet but I’m really looking forward to reading this back in a year or two and crying because I’ll see just how far I’ve come- just like I was today watching the film back… at the point this was filmed I was really struggling, I was so tired and so unwell because 3rd year had taken so much out of me I had no idea what I wanted to do with my future, I spent the next year just recovering from doing the degree… now I look back and although I haven’t been anywhere near as creative or productive as I was then I do see how far I’ve come and I see how much the trust has played a part in that. Without the trust I’d never have returned to university, never walked out with a first class honours. I’d never have spent time sailing and really embracing all that this incredible sport has to offer. I’d probably still be the woe is me girl sat in a wheelchair…. I’d never have met some of my amazing friends who have really gone out and lived life to the full and I wouldn’t continue to be inspired by them and the amazing young people we support. Like always I can not wait to get back out there this summer and see what I learn… but for now I need to prepare myself to be the encouraging voice to get people to sign up to come on one of these life changing trips as this is exactly what I’ll be doing tomorrow.
Just wanted to say a huge thankyou to everyone at the Ellen Macarthur Cancer trust you really have changed my life! I also want to say a huge thankyou to Claire, your words are always so timely and I cant wait to share with you how I respond to your challenge. To Karenza for interviewing me 3 years ago and most of all to Tom Roberts… thankyou for capturing the trust so well, and thank you for capturing that period of my life so incredibly- its now something I can look back on in awe just like everyone was telling me at the time, it is also amazing at how true it all I had to say then is still so true today.
Till next time….